Funny Guestbook-Spam - Best of

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.
He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old guy standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."

Two avid fishermen go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied ... "The balcony."

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
"Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a very attractive, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there, Good Looking. How's it going?" he asked.
The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!"
"No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies Sitting in a used car.!
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed .... So
We're just waiting.

There was a lady who was unhappy with her boobs, she wanted bigger ones.
She went to Dr. Smith and he told her, "After you wake up in the morning, rub your boobs and say Scoobie Doobie Doobies,
I Want Bigger Boobies!" And you'll have bigger boobs in no time.
The woman does this for about a month, and she is so impressed, she has lovely D cups now! One day, on her way to work on the bus, she realizes she has forgotton her morning ritual, worried that she might lose her lovely D's,
she stands right there in the middle of the bus and says while rubbing her boobs "Scoobie Doobie Doobies, I Want Bigger Boobies!"
A man sitting close to her reaches up and tugs on her sleeve. "Yes?" replies the woman. "Are you by any chance a patient of Dr. Smith?"
The man says. "Yes, but how did you know?" says the woman.
The man leans closer, winks and says "Hickary Dickary Dock......"

I was home visiting my folks and my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.

When I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, naked young woman<a href=http://adapters.mlvma.com/travel-ac-adapter.html>.</a>
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"

A young boy just received his driving permit. He asks his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later, the boy comes back and asks his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied your Bible, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want
To delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
Works for me!

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.
They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.
They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.
Please advise?"
The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

A woman who had been married for some time decided to spice up her marriage a bit by planning a romantic evening at home alone with her husband.
She bought his favorite take out, a bottle of expensive wine, some massage oil and a pair of crotch less panties. She set out dinner, opened the wine and she sprawled out on the couch in nothing but the crotch less panties. When her husband arrived home from work she said smoothly "Hey baby, you want a little of this?"
With a horrified look her husband exclaimed "Hell, no! Look what it did to your panties!"

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee on Hillary Clinton's 2008 presidential campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy."

Men Vs. Women

Heather: I noticed by this article that men become bald much more than women because of the intense activity of their brains.
John: Yes, and I notice that women do not grow beards because of the intense activity of their chins!

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.
You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping, unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about that 55-year old ass of yours?"
Your name never came up," she replied.

A woman went to her doctor to verify that she was pregnant. This was her first pregnancy. So she said to the doctor "I'm worried about the
pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered,
"Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and
besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."said the Doctor
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

Two men have been out drinking. they are walking home and telling jokes. As
they are walking over this large bridge they stop to pee.

As they are peeing off the side of the bridge one man says to the other
"This water is cold"
"YEA and it's deep too"

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word ’penis’ in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word ’penis’ again on the black
board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s word, larger than the previous day’ word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" 4

A little boy asks his father "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

"Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your mother agreed to take a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've got male'."

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards him. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry
to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"

The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.

The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!

Ways To Annoy people On The
Beach

Ask everyone you meet, "Hot enough for you?"

Sing
the "Barney" theme song as loud as you can.

If you see kids
building a sand castle, say, "That's not a real castle!"


Every time when you're about to duck under the water, yell,
"Down periscope!"

Go swimming in a full business suit. Ifpeople notice, act like they're the weirdos.

Put sea shell to
your ear and announce to first person to pass by, "It's for
you!" Repeat several times.

Throw jellyfish around.

Tune
radio to all-news station and blast as loud as you can, then nod your head
and snap your fingers like you're
listening to some happenin'tunes.

Act like a sea gull.

Wear t-shirt that says,
"I'm the coolest dude on this pathetic beach. No autographs
please."

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A
farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are
left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"


Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little
Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"


Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."

Little Johnny:- "Well Id have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5'5".

She then takes her blood pressure
And
tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!"
she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now
I'm short and fat!"

A beautiful young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.


The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.


When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of
nose plugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

:D:D:D

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. :D

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small

A man from Lahore was touring Punjab and got lost. He saw Santa working in his field and stopped for directions.

Santa told him how to get to Shimla.

The man wanted to talk a bit so he asked Santa, "Is this your farm?"

"Yep", Santa answered.

"How big is it?" asked the tourist.

"Well, it starts down the road there where the creek is and follows the creek up and over the hill to about where you can see that big tree. Then it runs across back of the barn to a big pile of stones up yonder and then down along the fence there to the road up that way."

The tourist smiled and said, "Well, that's a nice place. Let me tell you about my place out in Lahore. I can get into my car and start out from one end of my property just as the sun is coming up in the east. I can drive all-day and just as the sun is setting in the west I reach to other end of my ranch. What do you think of that?"

Santa thought for a second or two, and then said, "I had a car like that once."

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.


The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
:D :D

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM
.”

He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.”

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.


He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

Three women at the doctors office. The first one goes in to see the doctor. When the doctor goes to examine her he notices a big "Y" on her chest.

The doctor asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"

She replies, "Well, my boyfriend went to Yale and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctor nods and continues on with the next patient. When he examines her he notices a big "H" on her chest.


Again, the doctor asks, "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" The woman replys "My husband went to Harvard and when we make love he likes to wear his college sweater."

The doctors just nods his head and continues on with the last patient. As he examines her he notices once again that this woman also has a letter on her chest. A large "M".

He says, "Dont tell me, your boyfriend went to Michigan?"

"No ... " replies the patient. "But my girlfriend went to Wisconsin"

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.


The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Is the cat there?" "Of course, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat
on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions!

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.


"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student without saying a word.

"Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
:D

A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed
ball right to the nuts. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked,“How bad is it, Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin.”

The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks.” Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, “You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched these before.”

The new husband dropped his pants and said, “Look at this — it’s still in the crate!”

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Son, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother. Then I said, "Here Honey, try these on."

So she did then he said, "Well sweetie they're a little too big. I can't wear them."

I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Hmmm," thought Jack. "That might be a good thing to try!"

On his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, "Here, Babe. Try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large."

Jack said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will and don't ever forget that."

Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine.

So he did and said, "I can't even get into your pants."

Jill said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never will!

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can
store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents.

He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canapés the young man realized that he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.

A tiny fart escaped.

'Spot,' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go.

'Spot,' she cried out sharply.

I've got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll be fine. So he let loose a really big one.

'Spot,' shrieked the mother, 'get over here before he shits on you.'

Joe and Bill are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football and
NASCAR.

All of a sudden Joe says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't
spoken to me in over 6 months."

Bill sips his beer and says, "You better think it over, women like that are
hard to find."

Zek and Luke went to a trucking company to apply for a "Team" truck driving job. The personnel manager decided, after talking to them both that they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer. He decides to interview them separately. He first interviews Zek. After 15 minutes he completes the interview. Zek barely passes. Next he interviews Luke. He begins by asking the usual transportation related questions. Luke also barely passes.
The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?
About a minute passes and there was no answer. Then, all of a sudden Luke spoke up.
"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek
up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"
Coos, says Luke, "He ain't never seen no big accident before!"

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him
pancakes... That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father.":-)

A love story
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she
was hungry.The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The
husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed.
"Of course, I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay,
then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'whooha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery!
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied...

NEW SUPERMARKET SURROUND-SOUND

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic "water mister" to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.



But I don't buy toilet paper there any
more.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says to the koala "Hey! What are you doing?" The koala says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and
they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks him what's the matter. The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest,finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says - "Hey you!" The koala looks down and says: "Faaaaarrrrk dude...how much water did you drink?!!" :)

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

Computer Geeks Pick Up Lines......

Nice Set of Floppies!

Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.

I'd like to play on your laptop.

Need me to unzip your files?

If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!

I'd like to boot up your PC!

I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!

I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)

I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...

Your homepage or mine?

The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say "It could have been worse." His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.
So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, "Where's Gary?"

And one of his friends said, "Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself."

Joe says, "Well it could have been worse."

Both his friends said, "How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!"


Joe says, "If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!"

TECHNO PRISONERS
Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb.


The American says, 'What are you doing?'

The Japanese
man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With microtechnology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.'

The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart.

The Japanese man looks over at him.

'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't
worry, I'm just receiving a fax.'

Service Agencies

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service."

The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service

City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.


Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

There are 3 hunters in the woods, they're all telling each other what they're
going to shoot.

The first one says he's going to get a buck. So he goes out and
comes back with a buck. Then the other 2 hunters ask how he did it and he says,
"I see tracks I follow tracks I get buck".

So the second hunter says "I'm
going to get a doe." So he goes out and comes back with a doe.

Then the 3rd
hunter asks him how he did it. The 2nd hunter says, "I see tracks I follow
tracks I get doe". So the 3rd hunter says, "I'm just going to shoot at
anything I see". So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten
bruised bloody and totally trashed. And the other two hunters ask what happened
and he says, "I see tracks I follow tracks, I get hit by train!"

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped
her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once
more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than
before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped
your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "yes..... Pepper."



:):):):):)

A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home.
He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies. When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:


"HEBREWS"

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
"Next." :)